Today began beautifully. After two days with rain, the air was clear of dust and you could see the mountains all around the FOB clearly, for a change. It had been so long since I had seen all but the closest mountains, I had almost forgotten they were there. On the far ranges, the sun was coming through the clouds and making the peaks look like they were covered with snow, instead of the usual dirt and rock. It looked like the day was one for good news. And then the rug was pulled out from under me, and I landed smack dab on my face.
I was talking with my wife, like I do just about everyday, when she gave me the news. A few months ago I asked you for help when I needed it. And I thank everyone of you for it, your support meant very much to me, then, as it still does. I had started talking with my son, and though there was anger, on his side, and extreme nervousness on mine, we were making progress that was long overdue. He went on a cross country road trip and met up with my brother in North Carolina. And, there were tentative plans for us to meet early next year.
All of that is over now. The week he returned to California, he was out riding his motorcycle when another driver ran a stop sign in front of him, and then fled the scene. My son was put into a coma from the accident a month ago, and has not woken up. I don't know if he was wearing a helmet, and never asked, because to me its not important. The news from his mother, through my wife, was that she had talked with a neurosurgeon today about him. The doctor told her that there was too much damage to his brain stem. My son will never wake up, if he does, he would have no control over anything and would have to be cared for for the rest of his life, worse than a newborn. My son is gone! Today they removed his feeding tube and it is just a matter of time before he passes. I know, both in my heart, and my mind, that he will be better off this way. And that to keep him here, or even to attempt it, is both selfish and wrong. It is time for him to have peace.
Last week, right before Irene hit, my oldest daughter went out there from Virginia to see him, and help his mother through this. From everything I have heard, they get along, and like each other. And I am extremely happy that at least part of my family can be there for her. I know, almost exactly, what she is going through. I had to make the same decision for my dad a little over four years ago. While my dad had lived his life, and it was a stroke that took him down, as opposed to an accident, the pain, and other feelings are no less intense.
I was hearing from my daughter, and his mother, how each day he seems to be getter better, and its only a matter of time before he comes back. I didn't have the heart to tell them that this may not be the case, and not to read into what is happening. That's right, the blunt, cold hearted bastard that I am, I couldn't tell them what I felt to be true. What I learned when I was with my father. I just couldn't do it because I did not want to take that one thing that they needed from them. Hope. It is easy to see little movements as signs of the hoped for recovery. Even after the doctors have told you otherwise. But the doctors know, and they know how families will react when their loved one is in this situation. And they will wait until they know that you are ready to accept the truth before they make the full attempt at getting your understanding. I thank God that my son has/had the care that he needed. And that his mother had the support she does, along with my daughter being able to be there for her too.
Please, don't tell me "I'm sorry for your loss.", or "I'm so sorry!" No offense, but I don't want to hear it! I already know that you guys are. And, especially, I don't want to hear that it was his time, or God had a plan, or anything of that nature. It was NOT his time, he had just started his life. And what kind of plan could it have possibly been? Yes, I am angry right now. Very angry! I am angry at God for placing this opportunity in front of me, and then snatching it back. Children should not go before their parents. Yes, I know its a cliche, but that doesn't make it any less true. And to rip him away from his mother, when, after years of conflict between them, things were starting to get better, is just cruel, too cruel for a loving God. How could He have let this happen? How can He allow a mother to be forced to bury her son? Yes, I know it happens all the time, somewhere in the world. But this time it affects people I know!
But the thing that scares me the most right now is the fact that I literally want to find the guy that was driving that car and physically rip him limb from limb, slowly. This isn't the saying, "I want to kill him.", not really meaning it. I really do want to kill this guy. For the first time in my life, I unashamedly, and truly, want to kill someone.
I wrote this here because I needed to vent, someone to talk to. (Not that this is talking to any of you, but I do get to vent.) I don't have my rock here, I don't have any friends close by and even making a phone call is very difficult. This is all I have at the moment. If you got this far, thank you for staying with me. And I do feel a little bit better getting this off of my chest. Its just such a shame, it started out as such a beautiful day...
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