Today began beautifully. After two days with rain, the air was clear of dust and you could see the mountains all around the FOB clearly, for a change. It had been so long since I had seen all but the closest mountains, I had almost forgotten they were there. On the far ranges, the sun was coming through the clouds and making the peaks look like they were covered with snow, instead of the usual dirt and rock. It looked like the day was one for good news. And then the rug was pulled out from under me, and I landed smack dab on my face.
I was talking with my wife, like I do just about everyday, when she gave me the news. A few months ago I asked you for help when I needed it. And I thank everyone of you for it, your support meant very much to me, then, as it still does. I had started talking with my son, and though there was anger, on his side, and extreme nervousness on mine, we were making progress that was long overdue. He went on a cross country road trip and met up with my brother in North Carolina. And, there were tentative plans for us to meet early next year.
All of that is over now. The week he returned to California, he was out riding his motorcycle when another driver ran a stop sign in front of him, and then fled the scene. My son was put into a coma from the accident a month ago, and has not woken up. I don't know if he was wearing a helmet, and never asked, because to me its not important. The news from his mother, through my wife, was that she had talked with a neurosurgeon today about him. The doctor told her that there was too much damage to his brain stem. My son will never wake up, if he does, he would have no control over anything and would have to be cared for for the rest of his life, worse than a newborn. My son is gone! Today they removed his feeding tube and it is just a matter of time before he passes. I know, both in my heart, and my mind, that he will be better off this way. And that to keep him here, or even to attempt it, is both selfish and wrong. It is time for him to have peace.
Last week, right before Irene hit, my oldest daughter went out there from Virginia to see him, and help his mother through this. From everything I have heard, they get along, and like each other. And I am extremely happy that at least part of my family can be there for her. I know, almost exactly, what she is going through. I had to make the same decision for my dad a little over four years ago. While my dad had lived his life, and it was a stroke that took him down, as opposed to an accident, the pain, and other feelings are no less intense.
I was hearing from my daughter, and his mother, how each day he seems to be getter better, and its only a matter of time before he comes back. I didn't have the heart to tell them that this may not be the case, and not to read into what is happening. That's right, the blunt, cold hearted bastard that I am, I couldn't tell them what I felt to be true. What I learned when I was with my father. I just couldn't do it because I did not want to take that one thing that they needed from them. Hope. It is easy to see little movements as signs of the hoped for recovery. Even after the doctors have told you otherwise. But the doctors know, and they know how families will react when their loved one is in this situation. And they will wait until they know that you are ready to accept the truth before they make the full attempt at getting your understanding. I thank God that my son has/had the care that he needed. And that his mother had the support she does, along with my daughter being able to be there for her too.
Please, don't tell me "I'm sorry for your loss.", or "I'm so sorry!" No offense, but I don't want to hear it! I already know that you guys are. And, especially, I don't want to hear that it was his time, or God had a plan, or anything of that nature. It was NOT his time, he had just started his life. And what kind of plan could it have possibly been? Yes, I am angry right now. Very angry! I am angry at God for placing this opportunity in front of me, and then snatching it back. Children should not go before their parents. Yes, I know its a cliche, but that doesn't make it any less true. And to rip him away from his mother, when, after years of conflict between them, things were starting to get better, is just cruel, too cruel for a loving God. How could He have let this happen? How can He allow a mother to be forced to bury her son? Yes, I know it happens all the time, somewhere in the world. But this time it affects people I know!
But the thing that scares me the most right now is the fact that I literally want to find the guy that was driving that car and physically rip him limb from limb, slowly. This isn't the saying, "I want to kill him.", not really meaning it. I really do want to kill this guy. For the first time in my life, I unashamedly, and truly, want to kill someone.
I wrote this here because I needed to vent, someone to talk to. (Not that this is talking to any of you, but I do get to vent.) I don't have my rock here, I don't have any friends close by and even making a phone call is very difficult. This is all I have at the moment. If you got this far, thank you for staying with me. And I do feel a little bit better getting this off of my chest. Its just such a shame, it started out as such a beautiful day...
02 September 2011
10 July 2011
Confusion
Yes, confusion. (Note, this is likely to ramble much more than my normal entries as I try to work something out.) As those of you who know me know, I'm not a very "touchy feely" person. I don't often share my feelings about very much, and never in such a public way. I wasn't always like this, but it is who I have become. The only person who knows "the real me", is my wife. I am always direct when I speak. Though I have been noted recently as "The Yoda of Sarcasm." When I say something, I mean it. And I don't give my word unless I know I can keep it, otherwise its always "I will try." While I have always been a self-confident person (some might call it self-centered), something has made me very insecure. And this is not something I tend to deal with well. Recently, my actions in the past have come up to shake me, all the way to my core.
You may ask yourself what would/could he have done that had this kind of reaction in him? Well, it wasn't exactly an action, but rather a lack of such. Where do we start? The beginning? More recent events? I'm not really sure. Maybe I should first talk about what made me write this post? Like I said, confusion. Perhaps I should start at the beginning, it may help me figure out what to do.
Back in high school, I had a long time girlfriend. Three years, that doesn't seem so long now, but to a teenager, it can seem to be a lifetime. I'll call her B., as I am not want to use people's names out here in a public forum. B was beautiful, blonde hair, blue eyes, 5'11" and caught my interest the first time I met her. We went to different high schools, had different interests and hung out with different types of people. In short, nothing that would suggest, looking back at it decades past, there was anything to keep a relationship together. (And, being a teenager, how in the hell could I even know what a relationship really was?) She had the greatest effect on who I have become, as an individual, outside of the Army. Our relationship was off, an on, several times over the years. I always went back to her, or her back to me. We would get angry at each other over stupid stuff, but important to us as teenagers. But, I was in love, my first time feeling that way for someone outside of my family.
Then one night, it was definitely over between us. I really don't know if it was us, or just me. I do remember the night very clearly still to this day, some 20 years later. Needless to say, it left an impression. And changed me, but not for the good. I didn't trust women for a while after that. I went through a succession of women, girls really, for a time. They were used and thrown away, something I am now ashamed to admit. Especially having daughters. But, that was who I had become. I graduated high school and was waiting to go to Basic when I started dating my wife. She was meant to be like the others, only around until I left for basic. She had the same basic idea for me, just to be around to pass the Summer. She was/is in very many ways, the opposite of B. She is beautiful as well, brown hair and eyes, 5'2" and she also caught my attention from the first time I met her. But, where B and myself grew apart, the wife and I grew closer. (I know, I can hear you saying "Duh! You got married and still are.") She is the second greatest individual influence in who I am. No, she is THE influence. She taught me to trust again. But, while a nice story and all, what the hell does this have to do with the title of this post? Please bear with me a few sentences more, or maybe paragraphs, I'm not sure at this time. Like I said, I’m kind of confused and trying to work it out.
Anyways, back to B. After that final night, and after I returned home for Christmas Exodus from AIT, she came to my house. And she had a baby with her. His name was/is Krikit, and I was/am the father. Needless to say, at the time, I did not believe her. I still did not trust her, nor did I like to be around her. Her husband, and Air Force guy IIRC, I’m not really sure, nor did I care at the time, was there with her. She placed him in my arms, and I still couldn’t believe. I handed him back to her and they left. I didn’t hear anything more, so I decided that I must have been right.
Flash forward 13 years. I am in SEAR school for the Army. While in the class, you are not allowed any contact with the outside world. So at the end of the course, the first thing I did was call home. (Well, not exactly the first thing. I slept for the first time in 6 days.) And the wife tells me that B had called. And that I had a son. I asked her if she was sure and she told me that she saw a picture of him and he looked exactly like me. I couldn’t believe it. I was so sure I was right all of those years ago, and here I was confronted with the opposite being true. I flashed back to that day when I saw him, and thought how stupid could I have been.
I went home after the class and the wife showed me the picture of him. I was speechless. (Yes, I know. A surprising concept to be sure.) It was like looking at a picture of myself at that age. How could I have been so wrong? Was it because of my feelings towards B that caused me to be that way? Am I worthy to be a part of this kid’s life?
I don’t remember if it was right away, or sometime after, that I called him. I was nervous, scarred and anxious all at the same time. More so than at any point in my life, I was unsure about myself. I know I didn’t talk much, I normally don’t. He didn’t either from what I remember. I apologized I don’t know how many times, but it must have been a lot. And looking back on it, what good was apologizing really? It’s just words. Sometime after the call, I don’t know when, or how long, I figured that I didn’t deserve to be a part of his life. I didn’t talk about this with anyone. I really should have, since looking back on it, it wasn’t my decision to make, but his. If he wanted me to be part of his life, or at least attempt it, I should have lived up to his faith in me. Instead, I took a coward’s way out. I decided, on my own, not to renew contact. But, I kept coming back to, “You need to call him.” And I would justify not doing it by telling myself it has been too long. And the longer it got, the easier it became to convince myself.
I am really such an ass. It would have taken only a little bit of effort on my part. Yet, I was too afraid to do it. Me. I have stared down people twice my size and not even be nervous until afterwards. I have jumped into fights without a second thought, gone to combat zones and comforted my Soldiers because they were afraid. Been in mortar and rocket attacks and not worried about getting hit. I do not get afraid of things. Yet, I was afraid of a kid. Not afraid in a physical sense, but of not being accepted, knowing that I didn’t deserve acceptance. I didn’t even give him the chance to decide on his own. And yet, I made it, easier maybe, for him to build a justified anger for me. I have regretted that decision, and thought about him on a regular basis, but could not bring myself to reinitiate contact.
Then recently, he got into contact with the family again. He is 23 now. A full grown man. He has been talking with the wife and my oldest daughter. He has already accepted them, and truly accepted my daughter as a sister already. According to both of them, they are almost the same in most ways. He is a master mechanic, a certified electrician, a guitar player in a band, an accomplished florist and working on a doctorate in practical physics. He is so accomplished at 23, that my years of service are nothing in comparison, the crowning achievement of my life, other than my family. With the wife, she has accepted him as part of the family, and I love her all the more for that. (I am truly blessed to have that woman in my life.) And he is trying to bring her into his life.
I talked with him this morning. He has told me some about what has been going on with him. I wanted to get on a plane right then and fly there. Getting in contact wasn’t his choice, it was his doctor’s. I am grateful for it none the less. He was braver than I have been all this time. Yes, he is very angry with me, and rightly so. I can only hope that he doesn’t hate me. After all, the only impression I have given him is that I don’t want him. While, that is not the truth of it, actions speak louder than words. And my actions have been very damning. (As I am writing this, I have to keep myself from tearing up. It is affecting me that much.) Do I truly deserve to be a part of this kid’s, no, this man’s, life after all I have done? How can I ask him not to shut me out, as I have done to him? Forgiveness, and trust, must surely be out of the question because I am worthy of neither one. He gave me a chance all those years ago to try and start. I fucked it up, plain and simple. He is giving me another chance now. I can not allow this one to pass. I must take action, even though that action terrifies me. I am so terrified of his rejection, and of my screwing this up again, that opening myself up like this, in a public way, is tame in comparison.
Basically, I am asking my family, even though some of you are not related by blood, you are family to me, for help. I know what I must do. I need the strength to do it. I know I must endure his anger until he is able to accept me. I need the courage to do so. I know I should embrace him into the family. He has taken the first step, the rest fall to me, but I need all of you to help me along this path. It will be a difficult one, I suspect. No, I know it will be, I have done too much wrong for it to be otherwise. Will you help me walk the path?
You may ask yourself what would/could he have done that had this kind of reaction in him? Well, it wasn't exactly an action, but rather a lack of such. Where do we start? The beginning? More recent events? I'm not really sure. Maybe I should first talk about what made me write this post? Like I said, confusion. Perhaps I should start at the beginning, it may help me figure out what to do.
Back in high school, I had a long time girlfriend. Three years, that doesn't seem so long now, but to a teenager, it can seem to be a lifetime. I'll call her B., as I am not want to use people's names out here in a public forum. B was beautiful, blonde hair, blue eyes, 5'11" and caught my interest the first time I met her. We went to different high schools, had different interests and hung out with different types of people. In short, nothing that would suggest, looking back at it decades past, there was anything to keep a relationship together. (And, being a teenager, how in the hell could I even know what a relationship really was?) She had the greatest effect on who I have become, as an individual, outside of the Army. Our relationship was off, an on, several times over the years. I always went back to her, or her back to me. We would get angry at each other over stupid stuff, but important to us as teenagers. But, I was in love, my first time feeling that way for someone outside of my family.
Then one night, it was definitely over between us. I really don't know if it was us, or just me. I do remember the night very clearly still to this day, some 20 years later. Needless to say, it left an impression. And changed me, but not for the good. I didn't trust women for a while after that. I went through a succession of women, girls really, for a time. They were used and thrown away, something I am now ashamed to admit. Especially having daughters. But, that was who I had become. I graduated high school and was waiting to go to Basic when I started dating my wife. She was meant to be like the others, only around until I left for basic. She had the same basic idea for me, just to be around to pass the Summer. She was/is in very many ways, the opposite of B. She is beautiful as well, brown hair and eyes, 5'2" and she also caught my attention from the first time I met her. But, where B and myself grew apart, the wife and I grew closer. (I know, I can hear you saying "Duh! You got married and still are.") She is the second greatest individual influence in who I am. No, she is THE influence. She taught me to trust again. But, while a nice story and all, what the hell does this have to do with the title of this post? Please bear with me a few sentences more, or maybe paragraphs, I'm not sure at this time. Like I said, I’m kind of confused and trying to work it out.
Anyways, back to B. After that final night, and after I returned home for Christmas Exodus from AIT, she came to my house. And she had a baby with her. His name was/is Krikit, and I was/am the father. Needless to say, at the time, I did not believe her. I still did not trust her, nor did I like to be around her. Her husband, and Air Force guy IIRC, I’m not really sure, nor did I care at the time, was there with her. She placed him in my arms, and I still couldn’t believe. I handed him back to her and they left. I didn’t hear anything more, so I decided that I must have been right.
Flash forward 13 years. I am in SEAR school for the Army. While in the class, you are not allowed any contact with the outside world. So at the end of the course, the first thing I did was call home. (Well, not exactly the first thing. I slept for the first time in 6 days.) And the wife tells me that B had called. And that I had a son. I asked her if she was sure and she told me that she saw a picture of him and he looked exactly like me. I couldn’t believe it. I was so sure I was right all of those years ago, and here I was confronted with the opposite being true. I flashed back to that day when I saw him, and thought how stupid could I have been.
I went home after the class and the wife showed me the picture of him. I was speechless. (Yes, I know. A surprising concept to be sure.) It was like looking at a picture of myself at that age. How could I have been so wrong? Was it because of my feelings towards B that caused me to be that way? Am I worthy to be a part of this kid’s life?
I don’t remember if it was right away, or sometime after, that I called him. I was nervous, scarred and anxious all at the same time. More so than at any point in my life, I was unsure about myself. I know I didn’t talk much, I normally don’t. He didn’t either from what I remember. I apologized I don’t know how many times, but it must have been a lot. And looking back on it, what good was apologizing really? It’s just words. Sometime after the call, I don’t know when, or how long, I figured that I didn’t deserve to be a part of his life. I didn’t talk about this with anyone. I really should have, since looking back on it, it wasn’t my decision to make, but his. If he wanted me to be part of his life, or at least attempt it, I should have lived up to his faith in me. Instead, I took a coward’s way out. I decided, on my own, not to renew contact. But, I kept coming back to, “You need to call him.” And I would justify not doing it by telling myself it has been too long. And the longer it got, the easier it became to convince myself.
I am really such an ass. It would have taken only a little bit of effort on my part. Yet, I was too afraid to do it. Me. I have stared down people twice my size and not even be nervous until afterwards. I have jumped into fights without a second thought, gone to combat zones and comforted my Soldiers because they were afraid. Been in mortar and rocket attacks and not worried about getting hit. I do not get afraid of things. Yet, I was afraid of a kid. Not afraid in a physical sense, but of not being accepted, knowing that I didn’t deserve acceptance. I didn’t even give him the chance to decide on his own. And yet, I made it, easier maybe, for him to build a justified anger for me. I have regretted that decision, and thought about him on a regular basis, but could not bring myself to reinitiate contact.
Then recently, he got into contact with the family again. He is 23 now. A full grown man. He has been talking with the wife and my oldest daughter. He has already accepted them, and truly accepted my daughter as a sister already. According to both of them, they are almost the same in most ways. He is a master mechanic, a certified electrician, a guitar player in a band, an accomplished florist and working on a doctorate in practical physics. He is so accomplished at 23, that my years of service are nothing in comparison, the crowning achievement of my life, other than my family. With the wife, she has accepted him as part of the family, and I love her all the more for that. (I am truly blessed to have that woman in my life.) And he is trying to bring her into his life.
I talked with him this morning. He has told me some about what has been going on with him. I wanted to get on a plane right then and fly there. Getting in contact wasn’t his choice, it was his doctor’s. I am grateful for it none the less. He was braver than I have been all this time. Yes, he is very angry with me, and rightly so. I can only hope that he doesn’t hate me. After all, the only impression I have given him is that I don’t want him. While, that is not the truth of it, actions speak louder than words. And my actions have been very damning. (As I am writing this, I have to keep myself from tearing up. It is affecting me that much.) Do I truly deserve to be a part of this kid’s, no, this man’s, life after all I have done? How can I ask him not to shut me out, as I have done to him? Forgiveness, and trust, must surely be out of the question because I am worthy of neither one. He gave me a chance all those years ago to try and start. I fucked it up, plain and simple. He is giving me another chance now. I can not allow this one to pass. I must take action, even though that action terrifies me. I am so terrified of his rejection, and of my screwing this up again, that opening myself up like this, in a public way, is tame in comparison.
Basically, I am asking my family, even though some of you are not related by blood, you are family to me, for help. I know what I must do. I need the strength to do it. I know I must endure his anger until he is able to accept me. I need the courage to do so. I know I should embrace him into the family. He has taken the first step, the rest fall to me, but I need all of you to help me along this path. It will be a difficult one, I suspect. No, I know it will be, I have done too much wrong for it to be otherwise. Will you help me walk the path?
02 May 2011
One Man's Death
I know it has been a long while since I have done anything on this blog. I don't apologize, and I won't make excuses, I just didn't feel like messing with it. But yesterday, as I got to work and set up my computer, there on my homepage, in a bright red box, was news that both made me very happy, and filled me with a sense of dread.
The news that gave me such feelings was that the arch-terrorist, Osama bin Laden, was dead. Killed by our own Military Professionals in Pakistan, and only 30, to 60 miles, depending on the news story, from the Pakistani capital of Islamibad. And all without the knowledge of the Pakistani government. At first, I could hardly believe that this was true. After all, we have been hunting this man for 9 1/2 years, with more than a few "We may have gotten him this time." statements being released. Then, as the news started filtering out, I came to believe it, and finally was fully on board with the news by the time Obama made his statement about the operation. (Which, being in Afghanistan, I didn't get to see. I don't have regular access to TV, and the internet is too slow for any real streaming video. Hell, it took almost an hour and a half just to watch the speech. 3-5 seconds at a time.)
At first, I was happy about the news. The man that orchestrated the deaths of over 3000 Americans in a single incident, and was at the head of an organization responsible for the deaths of thousands more American, and Coalition, Servicemembers, was finally on his way to God to answer for his actions. This one man, became our symbol of terrorism, of True Evil manifest in flesh. And here it was that we, Americans, had finally taken him down. I wasn't the only one to want to celebrate this man's death.
The news that gave me such feelings was that the arch-terrorist, Osama bin Laden, was dead. Killed by our own Military Professionals in Pakistan, and only 30, to 60 miles, depending on the news story, from the Pakistani capital of Islamibad. And all without the knowledge of the Pakistani government. At first, I could hardly believe that this was true. After all, we have been hunting this man for 9 1/2 years, with more than a few "We may have gotten him this time." statements being released. Then, as the news started filtering out, I came to believe it, and finally was fully on board with the news by the time Obama made his statement about the operation. (Which, being in Afghanistan, I didn't get to see. I don't have regular access to TV, and the internet is too slow for any real streaming video. Hell, it took almost an hour and a half just to watch the speech. 3-5 seconds at a time.)
At first, I was happy about the news. The man that orchestrated the deaths of over 3000 Americans in a single incident, and was at the head of an organization responsible for the deaths of thousands more American, and Coalition, Servicemembers, was finally on his way to God to answer for his actions. This one man, became our symbol of terrorism, of True Evil manifest in flesh. And here it was that we, Americans, had finally taken him down. I wasn't the only one to want to celebrate this man's death.
New York
Washington D.C.
All Americans were celebrating!
Arab-Americans, much maligned in the US for suspicion against them, celebrate.
People across the world celebrated this one man's death.
India
Was it like this during WWII when news of Hitler's death got out? I have no idea. And that is the only example that I could think of that is even close to Osama's death to compare against. But this death, and where he was hiding, raises some questions.
The first one is, how was he able to be, for all intents and purposes, right outside the capital of Pakistan, in an neighborhood that has numerous retired Pakistani Military officials living in it? In a HUGE, and expensive, compound within walking distance of Pakistan's version of West Point, and the Pakistani Intelligence and Military didn't know? (Yes, technically two questions, but too related to each other to be separate.) These guys are supposed to be our resolute allies against al Queda. We GIVE then a few BILLION dollars every year to help in the War against Terror. (How much of that money was siphoned to the fight against us?) There is no way that they could have not known. Everyone knows who their neighbors are, even if they don't know them personally. Its just something you kind of notice. I say that this is proof of Islamibad's duplicity, in and of itself. Stop sending our supplies through Pakistan, and strengthen our airlift capability, then cut of the money. Let's see how that goes over. There have to be repercussions for their actions against us, ally, or not.
Next question is, who is going to take his place, at least as a figurehead? We knew who he was, and his position in the organization. But the man that replaces him, may well be unknown for years to come. Or the one presented to us will be just for show, so that we target him, and not the real replacement. (They are not stupid, if they were, things would be much easier.)
Question Number Three. What are the repercussions to this going to be? Because, unlike most people, the Islamic Extremists idolized Osama. He was their symbol against the evils of the West, led by us Americans.
Angry PAKISTANIS (Our Allies?)
There is going to be a rise in violence against us, you can count on that. But when will it come? They have learned that Western populations have extremely fickle, and short, attention spans. I think they will wait until we let our guard down because "nothing has happened." After this, we can never let our guard down, until the last rat has been exterminated. After all, we have to be lucky 100% of the time, the terrorists, just once.
Death Waits in the Dark
Finally, hats off to our CIA, and Military, that were involved in this operation. Excellent work! While I have not seen any reports about any casualties from our side during this, with the exception of one Blackhawk, that had to be destroyed, I am hoping there were none.
To my brother Nightstalkers, NSDQ! You have shown, time and time again, why you are needed. And you do it all shunning attention for it. Just know there are some of us that know and pray for you.
For the SEALs, God Bless You. The world can sleep securely at night because of you.
And the CIA, well, I normally can't stand to say anything good about them, but in this case, I have to admit it. It was your hard work and dedication that really made this operation possible. Without your efforts, around the world, we would live in a more dangerous place. A heartfelt "Thank you."
To those of you vowing vengeance on America because we made true on Pres. Bush's promise of no matter how long, or where you hide, we will find you, piss off! And in the immortal words of Ash, from Army of Darkness, "Come get some!" We are ready and waiting.
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